Complicating Faith

"How many children do you have?"

That's a question I dread.

As mothers we get asked this question all the time.

I used to love it.  I was proud to answer.  

But now I don't know what to say, "four but I have five", "five but only four here"?

Such a simple question shouldn't necessitate such a complicated answer.

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Today was Mikey's due date and his 4 month birthday.

We celebrated with a balloon that we wrote messages on 

then sent up to him so he knows how much we love him.

Sometimes, I start to miss him so much that it gets difficult to remember how sick he was.
I find myself thinking that maybe we should have tried harder to keep him here.
And I begin to doubt, thinking maybe I just didn't have enough faith.
As I was struggling with this mind consuming guilt one day I felt a whisper touch my heart.
"You had enough faith to let him go."
Immediately, my mind calmed.  My spirit was at peace and I knew he is where he needs to be.
I had enough faith to let His plan continue.
We had to say good bye to him because he had another place he needed to be and there are other miracles waiting for us.
I feel honored to have him in our family.
When I remember the strength of his spirit and how wonderful he is, I smile then cry but just a little. Because I am one eternally blessed mother, a mother of five beautiful children.