Still Laughing

These past few weeks have been hard but my kids can still make me laugh, especially AJ.  Here's today's funny.

"Mom, can you make one of those necklaces that you make?"

"I'll have to see if I have the stuff.  Who do you want to give it to?"

Thinking he's smarter than his mom and if he spells her name then I won't know who it is, "Can you just put L-O-L-A on it?"

Papi - The Silent One

I couldn't do this without Papi.  He doesn't say much except that from the beginning he is the one who said this trial will make us better people.  I believed him.  Today I was having another bad morning.  He wasn't here.  All I had to do was call him and he immediately drove right home.  I don't tell him enough how much I need him but I do.  I'm just so glad he was here and I didn't have to do it alone.

Lots of Big Sister Love

It's been two weeks since Mikey was born.  He was with us for such a short time.  I don't want to forget one detail of his little life.  I always want to remember how our family was while he was here and how much his brothers and sisters loved him.

Alexandria cared for her little brother as much as any 10 year old heart could possibly do.  

Immediately upon seeing Mikey she took him in her arms and loved him.

She noticed that his skin was a little sticky so she asked if she could bath him.

The nurse got the baby soap and the some warm water and showed 

Alexandria what to do.

She was a natural.  

I've always said I'm thankful that she makes a better mom than I do.

 

She helped to clean every part of his little body, knowing that he would tell her how much he appreciated it if he could.

Then she added the yummy smelling baby lotion.

She helped to carefully pick out a little hat for his misshapen head

and cute little pants.

They tried every shirt there was but nothing was quite right for our little Mikey.

She took care of him as good as she could for the short time that she got to spend with him.

What an example she is to me.

Dear Mikey,

We love you. 

I hope you have a good time in heaven. 

We'll see you there soon.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

Love your big sister,

Alexandria

A Symbol

Dear Mikey,

We picked out your headstone today.  Everybody went because your brothers and sisters wanted to pick out something special for you.  Isabel and DJ wanted to put a picture of a teddy bear on the stone.  Alexandria and AJ wanted a baseball player.  AJ was sure you would have liked baseball.  Watching them discuss why they wanted the different pictures made me remember how much they would have showered you with love.  Seeing that the kids weren't going to come to an agreement between teddy bears and baseball players, the funeral director suggested a picture of the temple.  Surprisingly they had a picture of the Manti temple, our temple.  Immediately, it was unanimous.  They all wanted the picture of the Manti temple because that is a symbol of where our eternal family began.  And knowing that we can all be together again has made it possible to say goodbye to you, for now.    

I know you are doing what you are supposed to be doing and you're happy where you are.  Now when we visit you, the picture of the temple will be a reminder for us to do what we are supposed to be doing so we can be happy with you where you are too.  

I'm so thankful for the short time we got to spend with you and for the strength that you have given me.  You truly are a blessing in our life.  I will love you forever!

Love,

Your Mom

Enjoyed

I was missing Mikey today.  

So I got the kids out of school early. 

We went to the cemetery to see his grave and leave some flowers.

I cried for a minute when Papi gave me a hug.

The kids left him candy canes then raced through the headstones.

It's good they can remember their little brother's short life and be sad for a moment

 then go play and find joy again.

Life is not be endured but to be enjoyed.

We miss him.

But we have hope.

He has given us hope.

And that hope helps us to go on.

Family Night

That's our baby boy in that delicate white coffin.

Papi got to carry him one more time to his final resting place.

Ever since we told the kids the sad news about their baby brother the one thing they wanted more than anything was to have a Family Night with him.  They wanted to bury him on a Monday so for his graveside service we could have Family Night.

Grandpa conducted.

Papi gave the prayer.

We sang Families Can Be Together Forever.

Alexandria gave a scripture, Moses 1:39.

Mommy gave a lesson on the Plan of Happiness and that we can see Mikey again.

And Uncle Heath closed with a beautiful prayer to dedicate his grave.

Then we gave the balloons a big hug and a kiss and sent them up to the heavens to be with Mikey.
Refreshments at Grandmas, root beer floats.

It wasn't your typical graveside service, no life history was recounted, no remarks by the bishop, but it was what our family needed and that's all that matters.  For my kids, all five of them, it was perfect.

This morning has been hard.

Mornings are definitely my worst time of day.

Papi has been getting up with the kids ever since I was in the hospital.

Today I wanted to get them ready for school.

Slowly, I'm trying to get things back to normal.

But they're not normal.

There's a constant missing piece in my heart.

After taking the kids to school I came back to bed, held Mikey's blanket and like a baby cried myself back to sleep.

I miss him.

Around noon Isabel came in. "Mommy, two people came and brought us flowers and treats.  They left cards."  She laid the cards on the bed.  I read them.  Sweet words of prayers and love reminded me that I'm not alone.  I am so thankful to everyone who has helped us through this time.  Your sweet acts of kindness through cards, flowers, treats, meals, donations, all of it has truly served to lift our spirits.  Not only have you shown us love but you have taught me how I can better love others.  To just say thank you doesn't feel like enough.

What's in a Name?

"Mikey" 

I know it's a little odd but it has meaning for us.

Michael was the arcangel.

This little baby would be our angel.

The name Angelo means angel.

Michaelangelo is my favorite artist of all times.

I'm not a fan of the names Michael or Michaelangelo.

But Mikey made me smile.

And I knew that was his name when I told Papi and he smiled too.

And even though hearing his story is too short

hearing his name still makes me smile.

After that strong hug he gave me before he left us,

I knew "Mikey" was great for us to call him

but it didn't begin to explain the strength of his spirit.

So we chose Ammon.

Ammon was a strong missionary,

one of my kids' favorite Book of Mormon heroes.

And I really believe his name in heaven may be Ammon.

Mikey Ammon,

never a name I had ever considered

but a name that will always bring joy to my heart.

Aching Arms

It's happening.  The doctors said it would.  

I was just hoping I would get lucky and somehow be able to skip this part
 but reality is hitting. 

I don't do well when I'm alone.  My mind starts to wander.

Today I took DJ to the store and bought him a toy just so he would come with me.

(I never buy toys for no reason.)

All of a sudden I feel lost.

My body is realizing that it went through a delivery and it's searching for that little one. 

My arms ache to be holding my baby. 

All I can do is climb in Papi's lap, love him and be glad that he is here with me.  

I know Mikey is better off where he is but,

I miss him and my body longs for him.

So I am trying to be more patient with my kids,
loving them a little bit more,
playing with them more,
enjoying their words a little more,
and not passing up an opportunity to totally rock out to Bon Jovi with them,
in hopes of seeing them smile a little more.

His Shirt

I got to see my boy again today.

His little body was cold but still precious to his mom.

Being so small we had nothing more than the blanket that I had made to bury him in.

All my kids have a blanket from their mom so before he was born I made two, 

one to bury him in and one for me to keep.

He used both in the hospital.

The problem is I really do not sew.

But my cousin Kristy does.  She is amazing.

Last night I got the best gift from her.

She overnighted a little shirt for him to be buried in.

It was even embroidered with his initials.

I cried. 

It's exactly what I would have made for him if I could sew,

a white little shirt because our color for Mikey is white since he is our angel.

Because of this beautiful gift I got to hold my son again today.

Very gently I dressed his little body in his cute little shirt,

a perfect fit.

Then I held him, hugged him like he hugged me,

told him I loved him 

and with a kiss on his little soft spot promised him that one day I would see him again.

Forever in our Hearts

I can't thank the nurse at the hospital enough for setting up these pictures and my wonderful sister, Janalyn, for capturing this precious moment.

All of my children all together, it will never happen again at least not in this life.

So for me these pictures are priceless.

The hospital had a box full of colorful ceramic hearts.  

Each brother and sister got to pick their special heart for Mikey.

 Then they took a picture with their little brother and their hearts.

They got to bring their hearts home, a small memento to help them remember that precious hour they got to spend with their little brother. 

My Miracle

     Mikey, you are so dear to my heart.  I have felt more certainty that we do exist after this life from your short time here on earth than I have at any other time in my life.  From the time we found out about your sick little body I have felt your presence with me.  I know you were with me at night when I couldn't sleep because I was worried about you.  When I felt you there I didn't want to go back to sleep because it was my chance to be with you, to know you, to love my son.  I could faintly feel your arms around me, comforting me, your mom, letting me know you were happy with how short your life would be here.  I'm so thankful that right before you left us you continued this miracle for me. 

*******

   We had enjoyed more time than we thought we would have with Mikey when the nurse came in to check his heart.  All the kids had their time to hold him, to love him and now his heartbeat was becoming irregular.  Alexandria passed Mikey to me and I sat in that hospital bed and held him with all the love and strength that I could give him.  There, I laid closing my eyes and telling him how much I love him, thanking him for the time that he had spent with us and letting him know how sorry I was that we couldn't have done better for him.  Through my tears I felt these big, all encompassing arms embrace me in the most powerful loving hug I have ever experienced.  I knew it was my son giving me that hug.  I recognized his presence.  His arms were strong and his embrace was undeniable.  I could almost hear him whispering.  He was thanking me for being his mom, telling me that he had somewhere he needed to be and he was so thankful and happy that we were willing to let him go.   His love was all around me enclosing me in.  For that small moment nothing else mattered.   With arms like his I imagined him at the front lines of battle in that war in Heaven.  His life here was short because he is one of those faithful spirits that don't need the tests of this life.  He was happy.  He was excited to continue his journey.  I knew he loved us and he will be waiting for us with all the excitement that we felt while waiting for him.  And then he was gone.  "He would have been strong," I sobbed to my mom.  A few minutes later the nurse came back to check his heart again.  It had stopped.

That was my miracle.

It was a tangible strong embrace.

It was the love of a son for his mother.

It was him letting me know he was happy.

I don't want to let his miracle stop there.

I hope to use this experience to be better,

 to teach my family what they need to know

so that they can be better too.

People tell me that someday I will be able to raise this little boy
but I think he will be raising me.

Until then,

good bye my dear Mikey,

I will always love you and

I hope to feel you near again. 

From Our Family

We just want to thank all of our awesome family and great friends who have supported us through this time.  Every kind word, every flower, every dinner, every donation has touched our lives more than you know.  We are truly blessed to have had our little Mikey in our lives and truly blessed to know such faithful, loving people.  I'm not sure how we are ever going to repay all the kindness that we have been shown.  Thank you a million times over.  We love you!

What can I do? (by Aunt Janalyn)

This is Mikey's Aunt Janalyn.  I set this account and button up for any of you that, like me, dislike the idea of having to bury a child and then pay for it too.  I wish I could give Mikey a gift, but he doesn't need clothes or blankets, so this was my answer.  I hope any friends, family, or well-wishers of the Cesars can join me and give a few dollars or a lot of dollars.  With love to Mikey and his family, Aunt Janalyn

Thanks Ondria for letting me give a gift and set this up and post it for your family.  I promise not to use your password for any future hijinx.  :)

Our Angel

Mikey Ammon Cesar

Born: January 15, 2012 at 8:13 pm

Delivered by: His Mom 

(Really. There was no doctor or nurse in the room. He let me bring him into this world, an experience I will always fondly remember.)

Weight: 1 lbs. 6 ozs.

Height: 11.5 inches

Died: 9:25 pm, 

He gave all his older brothers and sisters time to hold him and love him.

We wish it could have been more but we understand he did his best.

"Every life no matter how fragile or brief forever changes the world."

Going Home

Still here in the hospital.  I guess my body just doesn't want to let him go yet.  I can't blame it.  I'll miss feeling his little nudges and a caresses from inside too.  So the doctor is giving me the night off.  I'll get to spend a night at home then come back in the morning to continue the process.  I was feeling some cabin fever.  Ask my mom.  I had her help me escape a couple of times.  (Shh, no telling the hospital.)  We went shopping in the real world, not the hospital gift shop.  Plus my kids are getting tired of seeing mom in the hospital.  You can only go see the trains so many times.  I'm happy to be going home, happy to have him for another night and maybe tomorrow or the next day we'll finally get to meet our little Mikey.

His Brothers and Sisters

I'm glad he didn't come today.  Friday the 13th wouldn't be a very good birthday for our baby boy.

Definitely telling Mikey's older brothers and sisters was one of the hardest parts of this.  We sat them down in our "blue room" and told them all about his heart and his lungs and how their little brother wouldn't be able to live.  Immediately they understood and all started crying too.  They climbed on my and Papi's laps and snuggled and asked questions, "why?", "what's a diaphragmatic hernia?", "where was Mikey going to go if he wasn't going to be here with us?".

"Can't Jesus fix it?" Was AJ's sweet response.  All I could tell him was that yes, Jesus could fix it and if that's what was supposed to happen he would fix it. But Mikey has another mission.  Being healthy was not supposed to be his miracle.  His miracle is being born to wonderful brothers and sisters who will understand that he loves them a lot even though he can't be here with them physically.  He will be watching and helping them.  And we need to do everything we can to make good choices so that we can live with him as a family forever.  His miracle was even more for us to give us the motivation we need to do what is right.  We just have to remember him and never forget his short but very precious life here on earth.

As soon as we were done talking to our children DJ went directly to the cupboard, pulled out a piece of paper and drew a picture of him and Mikey.  DJ expresses his feelings on paper a lot better than through spoken words.  Then all the kids followed his ideas drawing their own emotions on paper for Mikey.  He is loved and I hope they will never forget the miracle that he can do for us if we let him.

A Single Rose

In this hospital we get treated differently.  We get a rose sign on our door.  It means to be a little more compassionate when you enter our room our baby is not going to live.  I'm thankful for the kind nurses and doctors who have been so helpful throughout this journey.

But if you're like me, you never know what to say to someone who is going through a tragic experience in their life.  Now that I'm here I'll tell you what I would like to hear and hopefully help myself to remember so I can help others.

I don't need to hear your stories of how someone you knew was in a similar situation but had the baby and it lived a few years.  Every baby is a miracle and that may have been the miracle that family needed but I know that is not Mikey's miracle for us.

I don't need to hear about so and so who had a child that suffered from some illness and later passed away. We all die eventually.

You don't need to ask me how I'm doing.  As if I would be doing good at this time. If you're reading this you'll already know, this sucks.  I'll probably have good days and bad days and if I want to tell you details I'll offer them without you asking.

All I really need to hear is an "I'm sorry" and if you're sincere maybe a "we are praying for your family".  Don't just say nothing and act like nothing has happened.  Address it with compassion and move on.  I'm sure everyone is different and maybe some moms really need to talk about things but I'd rather express my emotions through written words.  I hope I don't come across as sounding mean.  I really appreciate the support that I've felt from most people so far.  I just know that sometimes when I see others go through a hard time I never know what to do or say.  I am very thankful for your concern and mostly for your prayers.  We will be stronger because of this.

"There will be no baby"

This is all my darling baby boy will ever see of this world if he will even be able see at all.

***************
                      
Three weeks ago

December 21, 2011

"Your baby has a diaphragmatic hernia.  It looks as though it is missing one complete side of it's diaphragm.  This is allowing his liver to come up into the chest area and is compressing against the lungs and the heart."  The fetal specialist doctor informed me.

Okay, I thought, we can deal with that.  She didn't make it sound like it was too big of an issue.  Maybe, I hoped, they can close it after he's born and he'll be fine.

"And he also has micrognathia, or a recessed chin."  

That is when my heart fell.  It stopped.  The words that I had heard in my heart at my 8 week ultra sound echoed in my ears again.  "There will be no baby in June." It was a strong feeling.  So, I was ecstatic when the ultrasound tech at that time found a heart beat and gave me a due date of May 15.  I blew off the impression I had minutes earlier thinking that of course there will be no baby in June it will be here in May.  But, having seen my cute little niece and all that she has gone through I knew there was no way this baby could survive having underdeveloped lungs and a small jaw.  We decided to do an amniocentesis right then to check for genetic abnormalities.  I came home and cried to Papi.  I sobbed, tears flowing from my eyes like water from Niagara Falls kind of crying. Then I turned it off.  It was Christmas time and I didn't want to bother anyone especially the kids with something that we weren't even really sure what exactly it meant.  The only time I allowed myself to think about it was was during prayers when we pleaded to please, if possible, let this little baby be healthy.

I was given a priesthood blessing and I knew that no matter what happened it was for a reason and it would be alright.

January 4, 2012

Two weeks had passed by since the ultrasound.  Although I was concerned, I had managed to go on hoping that everything would turn out okay.  Then the phone rang.  It was the geneticist.  There were chromosomal abnormalities.  He was missing almost half of chromosome 11.  There wasn't any specific genetic disorder that he could tell me that was associated with missing half of chromosome 11 it just meant that a lot of things would go wrong.  "Many people in your position would end this pregnancy.  You are 21 weeks now.  Arizona state law requires that early termination of pregnancy happens before 23 weeks.  So you will have to make a decision soon.  How do you feel about that?" He asked.

"I'm not ready to make that decision."  I told him.  I needed more proof that this baby wouldn't survive.  I wanted a baby.  We wanted another child.  So another ultrasound was scheduled, this time with a great doctor that has years of experience.  I knew I could trust his judgement.  

Unfortunately, the news was only worse the second time.  The diaphragmatic hernia was irreparable being as large as it was.  His lungs were underdeveloped and very small due to the liver taking up all the space in the chest area.  That would only continue to get worse as he grew inside of me.   His liver was pushing his heart against the back of his rib cage and there was already some fluid building up around his heart a sign of cardiac distress.  He was dying.  We discussed all the possibilities.  Finally, the doctor looked at me and with tears in his eyes said, "I've been trained in indirect counseling.  I never tell patients what to do.  I give them all the options and let them decide for themselves.  But in this situation I will tell you to end this pregnancy."  I knew he was right. The fact that our baby could not live combined with my history of two previous c-sections made the decision for us.  There was no use putting my body more at risk just to get the same outcome in 3 months.  I do have 4 beautiful children and they need a mom.

Today

Now I'm here in the hospital for an early induction.  I am at peace with this decision.  I'm not sure why this is happening to our family but I know it is right for our family.  As we explained to our children that their younger brother wasn't going to live I told them how lucky they were because they have their older brother, Jesus Christ, who loves them and sacrificed for them, looking out for them and now they'll have a younger brother, Mikey, who also loves them and is waiting for them to make good choices too so that one day he can live with them again.

There have been some special times in the past couple of weeks when I know that I'm being carried through this on the words of prayers that others have said.  I now understand when people say I "feel your prayers".  And sometimes in the twilight hours of the early morning I've felt this little baby's spirit with me.  The feeling has been so tangible that I feel like his arms are wrapped around me and I know he is happy with his short time here on earth.  I hope that in the few short moments that we may get with him that he will feel the love of his parents and brothers and sisters who absolutely adore him.

This sterile little delivery room may be all that Mikey will see here in his broken body but I know this experience, his willingness to live such a short life, will help us, his family, to see much more.

Happy 10 Years Old!!

My girl turns 10 today. Yes 2 digits from now on. 

It's so scary to think that in another 10 years she'll be on her own.

I wonder if I'm doing enough to teach her all she needs to know.

A few things I want to remember about her right now. . .

Pink is still her favorite color.

She's absolutely great with children, a natural mother. 

I still believe Heavenly Father knew I would need a spirit like hers to help me since Papi is gone most of the time so He sent her to me first.

 Because of her nurturing gift, even at this young age, she makes a great babysitter.

Her little sister, "sissy" as they call each other, may be one of her best friends and I love that they are so close despite their age differences.

Even though her school teacher has some issues Alexandria still wakes up every morning and gets ready without any complaints.

She's very responsible and gets her homework done without me ever asking her to do it.

Cold weather is her favorite.

Her dream is to go to BYU, yea!!

She loves anything that sparkles especially if it's pink.

She loves playing with makeup especially when I do a "makeover" for her.

She's turning into a beautiful young lady,

and growing up absolutely way too fast.

I love that her birthday is on New Year's Day.  It gives us a good reason to have great New Year's parties.  Now New Year's is actually one of my favorite holidays.

 Of course we had to use pink to decorate, and sparkles.

 What would a Cesar party be without the food?  Alexandria requested Mexican food.  So taquitos, flautas, tamales, empanadas, homemade salsa, guacamole and chips it was.

 We stayed up late. There were fireworks, a pinata and of course presents.

I love you Alexandria.  I'm so proud of the choices you are making and the person you are becoming.  I really have the best daughter ever!