Mikey

Dear Mikey,

Today was a lot harder than I was expecting.  It started off hard this morning even though I wasn't sending the kids to school.  Your birthday is one of their favorite days of the year because there's no school, at least not for them. I know they will be forever grateful to you for your birthday.  I learned a few things that I will do different for your birthday next year.  The kids will go to bed earlier the night before.  I will have more things planned to do to keep us busy on your special day and no devices, except my phone for pictures.

I feel like there is something more we can be doing to celebrate you.  That's possibly why it was such a hard day.  But I need to remember that the little things that we do, may be the same every year but, they are the traditions that will help to bring our family closer together.  So we wrote on a balloon and sent it up to you again.  As it floated straight into the sun one of the kids commented, "it's going toward the light."  Mikey, you are my light. 

Then the balloon stopped.  Really, it wasn't moving and I knew you were waiting for me to get the picture.  So I took it.  It's hard to see but it's right above the trees.  Then it floated away.  That was it.  We ate cheesecake, a white, creamy, sweet treat that you would have loved.  Then we packed up and came home to play games and nap.  On the way home we saw a little three year old boy crossing the street on his bike with his mom so we stopped and gave him a balloon that he quickly tied on to his handle bars. 

 

Even though your pinwheel was spinning out of control at the cemetery and I'm sure you were there with us I think what was missing from your day was you.  I felt like I was trying to fill a bucket but there was no bottom to the bucket.  Everything I put in just kept coming out.  The bucket never filled and I didn't feel any sense of joy or accomplishment.  I couldn't see your smiling face, or hug your little chunky three year old body.  We were celebrating you but there was no you.  Then in the quiet of the night I did feel your arms around me and I'm comforted knowing that you are still here when I need you. Suddenly, the bucket was full.  I know you're not around a lot but I love the times when you are.  I love you and look forward to the day when I can put my arms around you!

 

Love you always and forever,

Your mom