My Miracle

     Mikey, you are so dear to my heart.  I have felt more certainty that we do exist after this life from your short time here on earth than I have at any other time in my life.  From the time we found out about your sick little body I have felt your presence with me.  I know you were with me at night when I couldn't sleep because I was worried about you.  When I felt you there I didn't want to go back to sleep because it was my chance to be with you, to know you, to love my son.  I could faintly feel your arms around me, comforting me, your mom, letting me know you were happy with how short your life would be here.  I'm so thankful that right before you left us you continued this miracle for me. 

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   We had enjoyed more time than we thought we would have with Mikey when the nurse came in to check his heart.  All the kids had their time to hold him, to love him and now his heartbeat was becoming irregular.  Alexandria passed Mikey to me and I sat in that hospital bed and held him with all the love and strength that I could give him.  There, I laid closing my eyes and telling him how much I love him, thanking him for the time that he had spent with us and letting him know how sorry I was that we couldn't have done better for him.  Through my tears I felt these big, all encompassing arms embrace me in the most powerful loving hug I have ever experienced.  I knew it was my son giving me that hug.  I recognized his presence.  His arms were strong and his embrace was undeniable.  I could almost hear him whispering.  He was thanking me for being his mom, telling me that he had somewhere he needed to be and he was so thankful and happy that we were willing to let him go.   His love was all around me enclosing me in.  For that small moment nothing else mattered.   With arms like his I imagined him at the front lines of battle in that war in Heaven.  His life here was short because he is one of those faithful spirits that don't need the tests of this life.  He was happy.  He was excited to continue his journey.  I knew he loved us and he will be waiting for us with all the excitement that we felt while waiting for him.  And then he was gone.  "He would have been strong," I sobbed to my mom.  A few minutes later the nurse came back to check his heart again.  It had stopped.

That was my miracle.

It was a tangible strong embrace.

It was the love of a son for his mother.

It was him letting me know he was happy.

I don't want to let his miracle stop there.

I hope to use this experience to be better,

 to teach my family what they need to know

so that they can be better too.

People tell me that someday I will be able to raise this little boy
but I think he will be raising me.

Until then,

good bye my dear Mikey,

I will always love you and

I hope to feel you near again.