"There will be no baby"

This is all my darling baby boy will ever see of this world if he will even be able see at all.

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Three weeks ago

December 21, 2011

"Your baby has a diaphragmatic hernia.  It looks as though it is missing one complete side of it's diaphragm.  This is allowing his liver to come up into the chest area and is compressing against the lungs and the heart."  The fetal specialist doctor informed me.

Okay, I thought, we can deal with that.  She didn't make it sound like it was too big of an issue.  Maybe, I hoped, they can close it after he's born and he'll be fine.

"And he also has micrognathia, or a recessed chin."  

That is when my heart fell.  It stopped.  The words that I had heard in my heart at my 8 week ultra sound echoed in my ears again.  "There will be no baby in June." It was a strong feeling.  So, I was ecstatic when the ultrasound tech at that time found a heart beat and gave me a due date of May 15.  I blew off the impression I had minutes earlier thinking that of course there will be no baby in June it will be here in May.  But, having seen my cute little niece and all that she has gone through I knew there was no way this baby could survive having underdeveloped lungs and a small jaw.  We decided to do an amniocentesis right then to check for genetic abnormalities.  I came home and cried to Papi.  I sobbed, tears flowing from my eyes like water from Niagara Falls kind of crying. Then I turned it off.  It was Christmas time and I didn't want to bother anyone especially the kids with something that we weren't even really sure what exactly it meant.  The only time I allowed myself to think about it was was during prayers when we pleaded to please, if possible, let this little baby be healthy.

I was given a priesthood blessing and I knew that no matter what happened it was for a reason and it would be alright.

January 4, 2012

Two weeks had passed by since the ultrasound.  Although I was concerned, I had managed to go on hoping that everything would turn out okay.  Then the phone rang.  It was the geneticist.  There were chromosomal abnormalities.  He was missing almost half of chromosome 11.  There wasn't any specific genetic disorder that he could tell me that was associated with missing half of chromosome 11 it just meant that a lot of things would go wrong.  "Many people in your position would end this pregnancy.  You are 21 weeks now.  Arizona state law requires that early termination of pregnancy happens before 23 weeks.  So you will have to make a decision soon.  How do you feel about that?" He asked.

"I'm not ready to make that decision."  I told him.  I needed more proof that this baby wouldn't survive.  I wanted a baby.  We wanted another child.  So another ultrasound was scheduled, this time with a great doctor that has years of experience.  I knew I could trust his judgement.  

Unfortunately, the news was only worse the second time.  The diaphragmatic hernia was irreparable being as large as it was.  His lungs were underdeveloped and very small due to the liver taking up all the space in the chest area.  That would only continue to get worse as he grew inside of me.   His liver was pushing his heart against the back of his rib cage and there was already some fluid building up around his heart a sign of cardiac distress.  He was dying.  We discussed all the possibilities.  Finally, the doctor looked at me and with tears in his eyes said, "I've been trained in indirect counseling.  I never tell patients what to do.  I give them all the options and let them decide for themselves.  But in this situation I will tell you to end this pregnancy."  I knew he was right. The fact that our baby could not live combined with my history of two previous c-sections made the decision for us.  There was no use putting my body more at risk just to get the same outcome in 3 months.  I do have 4 beautiful children and they need a mom.

Today

Now I'm here in the hospital for an early induction.  I am at peace with this decision.  I'm not sure why this is happening to our family but I know it is right for our family.  As we explained to our children that their younger brother wasn't going to live I told them how lucky they were because they have their older brother, Jesus Christ, who loves them and sacrificed for them, looking out for them and now they'll have a younger brother, Mikey, who also loves them and is waiting for them to make good choices too so that one day he can live with them again.

There have been some special times in the past couple of weeks when I know that I'm being carried through this on the words of prayers that others have said.  I now understand when people say I "feel your prayers".  And sometimes in the twilight hours of the early morning I've felt this little baby's spirit with me.  The feeling has been so tangible that I feel like his arms are wrapped around me and I know he is happy with his short time here on earth.  I hope that in the few short moments that we may get with him that he will feel the love of his parents and brothers and sisters who absolutely adore him.

This sterile little delivery room may be all that Mikey will see here in his broken body but I know this experience, his willingness to live such a short life, will help us, his family, to see much more.