How to Lose a Tooth

How to lose a tooth

Step 1.  Have a twin.
Step 2.  Make your twin mad.
Step 3.  Suffocate while your twin sits on your face because he's mad at you.
Step 4.  Let tooth pop out.
Step 5.  Both you and your twin will be happy because you just lost a tooth.  Problem solved.

Angels

Some people only dream of angels.  We held one in our arms.

When we first found out about Mikey's condition I came home and cried to Papi.  I cried because I wanted a baby more than anything.  And I cried because this was not something we needed.  We have so many other issues to deal with that the death of a child could be the final chapter if we let it.  

Instead we made an unspoken decision.  Papi hoped this would make us better people.  I was determined that if we were going to lose something as precious as our baby boy then we needed to make a change for the better.  This would not be our final chapter but the beginning of a new book.  We were going to have another son. But there was a different plan for him and for us, a better one than what my human mind could see. 

Losing our adored little boy could be a tragedy.  I think about him and I miss him every day.  But I am so thankful for this trial.  It opened my eyes to see wonderful acts and feel beautiful emotions that I would have never experienced without his loss.   He brought me peace when he was here.  I have grown.  Our family has grown.  Mikey gave up this Earth life so that his family could progress.  His sacrifice was an angelic gift.  He is and always will be our angel.

His short life helps me to understand better the sacrifice that our older, most perfect brother made for us.  He died for us to progress too.   And His gift was much more.  If knowing Mikey has made me want to be better so I can be with him again, how much better would I want to be if I really knew our Savior?  It is because of Him that any of this is even possible.   Because of Him Mikey's death is not a tragedy but simply a new beginning. 

Peace and Perfect

He misses his younger brother.

How do I know?

Because he told me he wishes Mikey was still safe inside of me.

Every time my kids hug me their little faces touch where their dreams of a baby brother used to be

and they are reminded that he is no longer there.

AJ used to hug me and kiss my tummy.

Not any more.

I really do not like being pregnant.

But I would be eternally pregnant if it meant we could keep Mikey safe and alive.

The beautiful thing though is that I don't have to be forever pregnant.

I know he is safe.

I know he is happy.

And I know he still lives.

Of course we miss him but there is peace in knowing that

he has continued his journey and he will be there, perfect, and waiting for us.

the EXACT same thing

Yesterday DJ asked me to play football with him.  

I tried.  Really.  I did.

But I can't catch a football any better than a pig can run from a swarm of angry bees.

So he gave up on me,

 and today decided to play baseball with his friends.

But when they didn't play his way

he picked up his bats, balls, gloves and bases and went home.

There are stories that Papi would do the EXACT same thing growing up.

You could say the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

Let's just hope we never live around any pigs.

Lemons

"It's not so much what happens to us but how we deal with what happens to us." -James E. Faust

Life has given us a lot of lemons lately.  

And so has our lemon tree.

So I spent today letting my kids be happy doing what they wanted to do on their day off of school instead of dragging them around doing what I wanted to do.

And I made lemonade.

Watching

"I wish it wasn't today."

"What do you mean Isabel?" I answered while making the kids breakfast this morning.

"I wish it was still yesterday because Papi leaves today."

It's bittersweet.  We are so thankful that he was able to find another job after back surgery last year.   Truly that is a huge blessing.  But it's just really hard to say goodbye especially after the past couple of months.  His leaving was as routine as every other season, stressing about baggage weight, wrapping up the last to dos at home and a few tears.  There was one exception though, an extra stop on the way to the airport.  

He stopped to say bye to Mikey.  Even though Mikey is lucky because he's probably the only one he didn't really have to say bye too.  I'm sure he'll be there watching his Papi play and hopefully blowing a little extra wind to help those hard hit balls leave the park.  We love you Papi!  And we are praying for a great season.

One Month

While applying for Isabel's passport today there was a young baby screaming in the court office.

It would have made most people fear having a new baby around.

But it only made me want one more.

One month ago today I lost mine.

So after school I took the kids to see Mikey since it is his one month birthday.

 I do think it's awkward that most people post pictures of their baby on big occasions and

I post new additions to his vase in the cemetery.

But this is our family.

And I love it no matter what.

Still Spinning

It's Tuesday, one of my favorite days.  I visit Mikey on Tuesdays.  When I drove up the pinwheel was spinning out of control.  Every other pinwheel around was quiet.  It was amazing, made me cry.  Maybe he really does make it spin.  I know he was happy we were there.

My heart still aches. It's so unfair that we couldn't keep you.

  

Like the pinwheel, my emotions keep spinning. I feel like a child, crying one minute and happy the next. When I start feeling lost I force myself to remember there is a plan for us. One of my favorite songs is from the movie Joseph King of Dreams.  The lyrics help me keep perspective.

"You know better than I. 

You know the way.  

I'll let go the need to know why because you know better than I."  

I don't need to know why this happened.  I just need to have faith that this will be right for us.  I don't want his short life to be for nothing.  So I have to try.  I have to try a little harder to be a little better.  My love for him will get me through.  Every baby is a miracle.

And the Bees Came Tumbling Down

Want to hear a funny story?

For those of you who don't know, I'm married to an ex-con. He's dangerous.  It's kind of hot.  His big offense?  Killing a pig.  He used to play baseball in the sugar cane fields and one unfortunate day he hit a baseball into a beehive.  The bees got really mad.  They chased the first thing they saw, a pig.  The pig got stung so many times that it died.  Papi ended up in jail for killing the pig.  He's since forsaken his crime and no longer kills pigs with bees.  So you can understand why Papi won't mess with beehives.  That is until we found this one in our lemon tree.

 It couldn't have been more than two days old but we had to get rid of it before anyone met the same fate as the pig and Papi ended up in jail...again.

Hearing about all the buzz going on on Hope street it became a neighborhood affair when it came time to shoot it down.

The whole street came out to watch these two brave (aka crazy but wonderful) guys take care of it.

I'm not sure how our neighbor talked Papi into doing it.

It may have had something to do with $140 for a professional to do it or $15 for them to shoot it with bee spray.

Ready

Aim

Fire

Ker splat!!!!  

I think there were about a meeeellion bees in there...okay, maybe half a million.

Fortunately, there was only one teeny tiny battle scar.

And then the neighborhood went home happy 

and so did all the pigs.

One Loved Little Boy

So thankful that Grandma was there.  

Not only did she support me through labor (I think I squeezed her hand off) but she was there for the most important part, to add that extra bit of comfort that only grandmas can do.

And Grandpa is my hero, speeding through Mesa to get my kids there in time to meet their little brother before he left this world.

85 down Dobson had Alexandria pretty nervous.

Aunt Janalyn was there too.

I think she was right when she said,

"Even with chromosomal abnormalities you guys still make beautiful children."

Life’s greatest happiness is to be conviced we are loved. – Victor Hugo

Hopefully, in the short hour we got to spend with you we helped you to realize your greatest happiness here on earth.

I know you convinced me of your love.

I only hope you felt the same genuine love from us.

Losing Baby Teeth

I got to spend all morning snuggling with my DJ.

He had a rough day at the dentist.

So we watched movies together until the kids got home from school.

Before his teeth got hacked into I took him outside in the dentist office parking lot and

snap, snap, snap...

went a little picture crazy.

He had a great attitude.

And three teeth less later he's still my cutie.

After pictures soon to come.

From Pinwheel to Hi Mom

It's becoming a Tuesday ritual to visit you.

I took this pinwheel to your grave today.

Immediately after placing it in the temporary vase it started spinning.

I know it was the wind but I like to imagine it's your way of saying, 

"Hi Mom.  I love you!"

The Proud Big Sister

Isabel was so happy to be a big sister.

She needs a younger sibling.

My heart aches for her.

Almost every day she gives me a big hug and tells me,

"Mommy, I miss Mikey."

Me too, Isabel.  I miss him too.

His Love

DJ drew our family today in church.

I love that he included Mikey.

It's been three weeks today since he was born.

There's so much I want to say but I'm struggling to find the right words.

So for now I'm keeping it simple.

I know our Father in Heaven loves us.

I know He is there to carry us through hard times if we let Him.

I've felt it.

It's another feeling I always want to remember.

Felicidades!

I do not want to get old.  But if I can be 70 and still look as good as Abuela that might be okay.

Happy Birthday Abuela!!

Seriously, does this lady look 70?

AJ and Mikey

He was hesitant at first,

a little afraid of Mikey's tiny fragile body.

But he soon understood that he wasn't going to hurt him

and that this would be the only time that he would get to see his little brother.

Then in true AJ affectionate fashion

he didn't hesitate to give his brother a gentle kiss goodbye.

Remember

Dear Mikey,


I'm on the computer a lot lately flipping through all 378 photos that I have of your life here with us because I'm scared of losing you again.  With every day that passes I think I forget another piece of the time I spent with you.  I can't forget. I won't forget.  But life goes on.  And, other than the ache in my heart and the ability to cry on demand, everything is just the way it always has been.

I want to remember you always.  I want to remember how you waited for just the right moment when the nurse left the room so I could be the first to hold you, to rip off that bag of water and see your precious face.  I want to remember how right after you were born you weren't moving.  I asked you how come when you moved so much inside of me.  Then you moved your little right arm.  I want to remember how in the ultrasound we saw you holding up one finger and right after you were born you put one finger on the blanket I had made for you.  I guess maybe you were trying to tell us we would have one hour to shower you with love.

Most of all I want to remember your strong spirit and how it filled labor and delivery room #1.  Last week I went to the hospital to pick up pictures of you and walked by that special room.  It was empty so I peeked in.  Mixed emotions of great and sad memories flooded my soul as I saw the bed where I held you in my arms, kissed you hello and kissed you goodbye.  I wish that room was in my house.  I would visit it often just to remember and be near you.

Sometimes I begin to doubt the decision we made to let you go.  I should have fought for your life.  But as I look at other families who have been affected with diaphragmatic hernias as severe as yours I remember why the decision was so clear.  Those babies suffered on life support, some for a day some for months, waiting for their parents to say goodbye.  I know we did the right thing.  You showed me you were happy.  You were our miracle just the way it happened.  It would have been selfish of me to keep you here just because I wanted you. That doesn't take away how much I miss you but it helps to remember that gift you gave to me and how happy I know you are now.

I love you.  I know you have a mission to accomplish but please don't forget your mom.  Please, stay by me and help me to always remember.  I love you so much!

My Boys

Mikey affected every one of my children, each one in a different way.  I'm determined to remember every detail of that precious hour so I'm trying to write how all of us were changed because of our cherished little boy.

DJ is my curious kid.

He wanted to see every thing at the hospital,

touch every finger, feel every toe. 

He was giddy with excitement to meet Mikey, his younger brother.

Sometimes it seemed like he did not get it.  But he did.  

  When it came time to say goodbye he couldn't hold back the tears.

He didn't want to leave his new baby brother.

He still thinks about him.  They all do.

When we're shopping he'll see a baby toy and mention that he wishes we could have gotten it for Mikey.

My favorite quote came from DJ when I got home Monday.

As I was tucking him into bed he told me,

"Mom, when I was with Mikey I felt warm."

I shared with him that 

I know that warmth was his younger brother,

and the comforting spirit in the room with us 

helping us to say goodbye.

He agreed.