Remember

Dear Mikey,


I'm on the computer a lot lately flipping through all 378 photos that I have of your life here with us because I'm scared of losing you again.  With every day that passes I think I forget another piece of the time I spent with you.  I can't forget. I won't forget.  But life goes on.  And, other than the ache in my heart and the ability to cry on demand, everything is just the way it always has been.

I want to remember you always.  I want to remember how you waited for just the right moment when the nurse left the room so I could be the first to hold you, to rip off that bag of water and see your precious face.  I want to remember how right after you were born you weren't moving.  I asked you how come when you moved so much inside of me.  Then you moved your little right arm.  I want to remember how in the ultrasound we saw you holding up one finger and right after you were born you put one finger on the blanket I had made for you.  I guess maybe you were trying to tell us we would have one hour to shower you with love.

Most of all I want to remember your strong spirit and how it filled labor and delivery room #1.  Last week I went to the hospital to pick up pictures of you and walked by that special room.  It was empty so I peeked in.  Mixed emotions of great and sad memories flooded my soul as I saw the bed where I held you in my arms, kissed you hello and kissed you goodbye.  I wish that room was in my house.  I would visit it often just to remember and be near you.

Sometimes I begin to doubt the decision we made to let you go.  I should have fought for your life.  But as I look at other families who have been affected with diaphragmatic hernias as severe as yours I remember why the decision was so clear.  Those babies suffered on life support, some for a day some for months, waiting for their parents to say goodbye.  I know we did the right thing.  You showed me you were happy.  You were our miracle just the way it happened.  It would have been selfish of me to keep you here just because I wanted you. That doesn't take away how much I miss you but it helps to remember that gift you gave to me and how happy I know you are now.

I love you.  I know you have a mission to accomplish but please don't forget your mom.  Please, stay by me and help me to always remember.  I love you so much!